May 2011
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APPROPRIATE USE OF "MOTHER F"
+ I said with sprinkles, mother f***er! + Honey… trust me, you don’t need those mother f***ing training wheels! + That’s why I’m the mother f***ing Pope and you’re not. + MOTHER F***ING PAPERCUT! + Spelled just like it sounds… Barrack Mother-F***ing Obama + You haven’t seen March of the mother f***ing Penguins?! + Gross… so you are literally a mother f***er?! + I’ll have a mother...
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STRIPPER OR KENTUCKY DERBY HORSE
Twice the Appeal
Watch Me Go
Decisive Moment
Midnight Interlude
Stay Thirsty
Master of Hounds
Brilliant Speed
Pants on Fire
Animal Kingdom
Mucho Macho Man
Twinspired
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April 2011
24 posts
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HEADLINES YOU CAN EXPECT TO SEE ON SATURDAY
+ Happily Ever After + Fit for a King and Queen + Royal Knot… Tied + Now That’s My Cup of Tea + Twas a Jolly Good Time + The Ultimate Royal Flush + It’s So Hard to Say Cheerio to Yesterday + Best Wedding of My Life (Sorry, Dear) + Highlight of Night Still Prince Harry’s Drunken Table-Top Dance + Great. What the F*** Do We Do Now
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10 THINGS TO LOVE ABOUT LIBYA IN THE SPRING
1. Tulips 2. The sweet sound of the songbirds 3. Enjoying a Tom Collins on the porch 4. Flying kites 5. Outdoor music festivals 6. High School musicals 7. The start of farmer’s market season 8. Rollerblading 9. All of the pastel colors 10. Wrath-of-God-like heat
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Bad First Date Ideas
+ Bank Heist + Farting Contest + Elephant Hunting + Klan Rally + Cock Fight + Schindler’s List + Funeral + Surprise Acid Trip + Freeze Tag at the Nudist Colony + Surprise Acid Trip Prior to Freeze Tag at the Nudist Colony
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Surprisingly Angry Haikus
I had a hamster She escaped and ran away Weird… PetCo burned down You’re out of McRibs? I’m not over-reacting. McF*** you ass hole! Forgot my birthday? Oh don’t worry about it. Is your son missing? Yay, I lost a tooth! How much will the fairy bring? A quarter?! YOU WHORE! I went to the beach And then it started to rain I pooped in the sand Where is my sandwich? I am so...
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A FEW NAME SUGGESTIONS FOR TOILET MANUFACTURERS
+ KiddiePool + Superbowl + Deuces Wild + Shatturd Dreams + No.2 + RoyalFlush + Wet&Wild + Bank of the Rear + Splash Mountain + Lollapoolugea
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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR FROM YOUR AIRPLANE...
+ Very funny. Who put this fake bomb in the cockpit? + I’ve got $20 if I can borrow someone’s GPS… + You guys ever done a loopty loo? + We’ve just reached our cruising altitude of 130,000 feet… + We should be arriving at SOL in no time. + As you may know, today is bring your daughter to work day… + Welcome aboard Flight 815. This is your captain, Frank Lapidus....
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UNFORTUNATE BOOK PUBLISHING TYPOS
+ Mobys Dick + Wart and Peace + Lord of the Rinks + Gone with the Mind + The DaVinci Chode + Charlotte’s Wet + The Jew Testament + The Lion, The Bitch & The Wardrobe + Hard Mimes + White Gang + Macbest + The Jingle Book + King Rear + The Tripping Point + Harry Pottery
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REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS BEGIN NEGOTIATING...
After weeks of arguing, Republicans and Democrats on Capitol Hill began negotiations Wednesday on a possible something or other that would do something to federal spending by as much as X billion dollars and end another major crisis. “We’re all blah blah blahing together now,” Vice President Biden told reporters after a meeting with the typical who’s who of Washington on...
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HORRIBLE APRIL FOOLS' DAY PRANKS
+ Asking your wife for a divorce + Upper-decking the toilet in the bathroom at work + Pretending to hit that guy on the bike with your car + Fake-choking in a public restaurant during a business lunch + Sending an envelope of white powder to your buddy at the courthouse + Dressing in drag and picking up an unsuspecting man at a bar + Feigning interest at a KKK meeting + Cutting the brake lines on...
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March 2011
24 posts
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MICHAEL JACKSON'S THRILLER ALBUM REWRITTEN FOR OLD...
1 Crusin’ for a Bruisin’ 2 Come Here You 3 That Broad Belongs to Me 4 Wild Ride 5 Scram 6 Barbara Jane 7 Boys Will Be Boys 8 T.B.K. (The Bee’s Knees) 9 My Old Lady
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THINGS YOU KNOW ABOUT ME BY OUR RELATIONSHIP
Childhood friend: I’m afraid of the dark High school girlfriend: I just prefer to watch movies with the lights on College roommate: I will kill you if you turn off my night light Lawyer: I never killed a man that didn’t have it coming
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AWKWARD THINGS TO HEAR IN A RESTROOM
+ Man if these walls could talk, huh guys? + Oh nice, someone warmed up the seat! + Have I seen you here before? + I think I can! I think I can! + When did I eat blood? + This must be what giving birth feels like! + A little help here please… + Take a look at this and tell me if I missed a spot. + Whoa. Easy big fella. + You’re my special guy. Yes you are. Yeeees you are!
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REASONS MY WIFE SAYS SHE LOVES HAVING A DOG
+ Never leaves the toilet seat up after peeing + Listens instead of trying to solve problems + Doesn’t beg for sex every night + Never mentions cottage cheese thighs + Hasn’t tried to fix the sink + Never complains about cooking + Doesn’t snore all freaking night long + Never had an affair with the secretary + Has not once forgotten our anniversary + Doesn’t have a...
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KATE MOSS TALKS TO A SANDWICH
Kate Moss: Mmm. Hello there.
Sandwich: Um, hello? What's going on here?
Kate Moss: So you're a sandwich.
Sandwich: What? Yes, I'm a sandwich. Haven't you seen a sandwich before?
Kate Moss: It's been a very, very long time.
Sandwich: Hey, aren't you-
Kate Moss: And you look a-mazing.
Sandwich: Pfff... wha? Yeah. I mean, whatever. I spent a little extra time on my mustard this morning. No biggie.
Kate Moss: Ooooh. I can hardly look at you.
Sandwich: Hey, look all you want! This is real bread. No preservatives here. No siree.
Kate Moss: Maybe I could have just a taste.
Sandwich: Yes. I vote yes. Are we voting?
Kate Moss: A little lick wouldn't hurt.
Sandwich: No. No, it would not. It would not hurt anyone. Ever. That's the last thing it would do. Lick me. LICK ME!
Kate Moss: Wait a minute. What am I doing? This is wrong.
Sandwich: WHAT?! No no no. This is not wrong. This is sooo right!
Kate Moss: It starts with a lick, but then what?!
Sandwich: Oh mama. I can't breathe when I think about it.
Kate Moss: Then I have a bite.
Sandwich: Is that wrong?
Kate Moss: Then a few bites...
Sandwich: Again... fine with me.
Kate Moss: Next thing you know, I'm forcing you back up into the toilet of a strip club.
Sandwich: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M SAY- wait, what's that now?
Kate Moss: Oh, f*** it. Come here.
Sandwich: Nooooooo!
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10 MOST AWKWARD FACEBOOK GROUPS YOUR PARENTS CAN...
10. 4+ hour Erection Club
9. My kids were honor roll students at Kiewit Middle School
8. Fabio makes my pants wet
7. I’m jiggy with texting — LOL!
6. NEVER 2 OLD 2 PARTAY!!! 5. Lost my rolodex — plz send me ur number
4. I’m alright with the gays! 3. Raise your hand if you’ve had your tubes tied!! 2. I took my top off at a Garth Brooks concert
1. Join this group and receive a...
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SNOW WHITE, THE LATEST IN A STRING OF CELEBRITY...
It’s a not-so-happy ending in the land of fairy tales this week as new rumors begin to swirl about the Snow White scandal. Only two weeks after the story broke that White had been cheating on her husband of 478 years, sources are now saying that the “fairest of them all” has checked into a rehab facility in Tucson, Arizona. Although there has been no official word on the kind of rehab Snow White...
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MOVIES THAT WOULD MAKE HORRIBLE PORNO SPINOFFS
+ While You Were Sleeping + Whale Rider + Pan’s Labyrinth + The Crying Game + Fast & Furious + The Man Who Knew Too Little + Edward Scissorhands + Big Trouble in Little China + The Elephant Man + There Will Be Blood + The Passion of the Christ + Father of the Bride
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SOME CANNIBAL-FRIENDLY RECIPES
STEAMED MUSCLES (Serves 4) 4-5 cloves garlic, minced 1/2 onion, diced 1/4 cup fresh parsley, chopped 4-5 human muscles (abs or lats) 1 cup white wine pinch of pepper pinch of salt KIDNEY & BEAN SALAD (Serves 4-6) 2 lbs of human kidney 12oz can kidney beans (for irony) 1 sm stalk celery 1 lg red onion salad dressing SHEPHERDS PIE (Serves 20) 1 shepherd boy 20 lbs potato 10 tbsp olive oil 10...